Heartaches

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I’ve had my heart broken three times, when Daddy passed, when Mother passed, and when sister Anne passed. How many pieces of my heart are left?

When Daddy passed I felt that horrendous hole being ripped open, torn apart, broken into pieces, never ever to be the same. I had heard of broken hearts, but until that moment did I understand; his passing shattered all I had known before.

Mother passed after five long years of fighting myeloma, bone marrow cancer. We were not prepared for a sudden massive heart attack that took her from us; the rip in my heart widened; shock upon getting word of her passing all alone, by herself, with no family present, shook my foundation and my heart crumbled.

Two short months later my sweet sister passed after fighting three painful years; her rare form of ovarian cancer robbed her of future years she’ll never see. Could there be anything more painful than losing a younger sibling too soon, much too soon? Is there anything left of my heart?  I’m not sure.

 

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Lately I’ve had heartaches so intense I could feel the pain twisting inside me; surprisingly there was something left of my heart to ache. I assumed there was nothing left inside to hurt; but the pain assured me some remnant of my heart still could feel intense pain.

Why I’m writing this now I don’t know. It’s been two years now since Mother and Anne passed, seven since Daddy left us; this is no anniversary or season or reason for my revisiting the pain. I only know my heart hurts deeply now, and reminds me I’m vulnerable; heartaches, broken hearts, shattered hearts, can bring me to my knees.

As long as I live I will experience future pain, losses, upset, situations that will further rip my heart until there’s nothing left.

Is this love? Is this a side effect of loving?

Is this why You, Lord, allowed Your Son to be gruesomely tortured? Did You want us to know You understood a broken heart, a shattered heart, a heart ripped open, torn apart?

Is this why the veil was torn at the moment Jesus breathed his last?

 

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The veil of the temple kept people out; only the priests were allowed to pass through to the Holy of Holies where God resided; it also housed the Ark of the Covenant.

No, the veil of the temple was torn by You, Lord, from top to bottom so that there was and is no separation; Jesus’ life, ministry, death, and his resurrection places Him sitting at the right hand of You, Lord, God, the Father Almighty. Your children can come directly to You; because of Jesus’ sacrifice, You and I can talk together with no barrier, no separation.

But, You know the loss, pain, heartbreak of watching Your son suffer and die a criminal’s death. What more could You have done, Lord, to show to what lengths You would go to gain relationship with Your children.

I am in awe of Your Amazing Love for mankind. I am humbled by what You suffered for me. I thank You, Father, for loving us enough to have Your own heart broken and shattered. You know the hurt, the pain, the agony. Blessed is Your Holy Name.  Amen

 

Romans 8:26-28 The Message

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition [weighty, significant], and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something GOOD.

 

 

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